Sonata For Good Men

There are simply days that I loath to be alone with my own thoughts where the dread and anxieties of tomorrow are all too overpowering that it saps away my focus to work. It would make my heart race and set my feet tapping impatiently. Those would be the days that I would leave the office early after doing all that I can at work before seeking company amongst my practitioner close friends. The vet small timers, the newbies, the yet-to get-there. They get me. We fight the same battles. The difference is in setting and scale. They feel the same allure of stability that is expected of them and yet they have the same love for independence that made them start on own, that punk-ish urge to do it themselves and give the finger to norms and expectations. They feel and battle through the feeling of anxiety, depression or downright being burnt out all the time, they have the same concerns about providing for their family and most importantly they know the need to make a difference in an indifferent world by what we do. We struggle to make sense of our place in this world. In a way we are jihadists, sans the AKs and balaclavas and suicide vests. We all struggle to live.

I would like to think that I emerged from the COVID Pandemic and the Lockdowns unscathed but the reality is I emerged from the lockdown to crave the reassurance that only human company can provide. These chaps would be it. They get it. Over chai, tea or other beverages and copious amounts of nicotine in many forms, we’d talk shit, whine about clients, judges, cases, come up with schemes (sometimes wacky) to make money by way of legal practice, exchange legal opinion or two over some case or other, sought and give advice and in between all those, talk about Life itself. I would not demean these sessions to call them as lepak-ing.  They are not. In fact these sessions are beyond it. Lepak-ing in my dictionary would mean a stretch of time spent on doing nothing worthwhile. These sessions are not it. These sessions are worth it. Despite the meandering conversations and dick jokes not once have I ever emerged at the end of it unenlightened over some matter or other. As the parlance goes; sentiasa ada pengisian. Both figuratively and physiologically as my chest would hurt from the smoking after such hours long session and sometimes my cheeks would hurt from all the grin and laughter but my head would be clear, my heart no longer raced. I would be at peace. In a way it is therapy but with naan or meggi goreng. All thanks to these close friends.

In the words of my guru, sometimes I pick them up, sometimes they pick me up. These handful of men. Good men. For sure they have their own flaws, as do I. Who doesn’t?  That does not negate their kindness, their willingness to help, their good conscience. And it is the flaws that made them approachable and identifiable to me at first. I wanted to be amongst fellow Men, not mythical beings. To be a man is to have flaws. ‘’You love despite the faults’’, William Faulkner once wrote or said, I can’t be sure which, and I love these handful of good men to bits. They are my brothers from my other mother and wish them all the best in the world.

May they land that whale of a client, may they find success in everything that they do,

May they have peace and contemplation in their household,

May they have stillness in their hearts and may God grant them their earnest wishes.

May we live a long and fruitful life so that I can taunt them for being a bunch of old geezers for I will be forever young (in my head).

May they remain good men. 

 

   

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Do you feel lucky Punk?

Bila cerita tentang punk imej pertama yang selalunya akan terbit adalah gaya rambut mohawk atau berceracak tegak dan denim rabak dan busuk dengan patches, dumpster diving. Aku tak mahu bercakap tentang pemakaian atau ideologi yang dipegang oleh golongan Punk ini ataupun musik Punk itu sendiri. Itu boleh di Google.

 

Tak kira apa tanggapan kau tentang golongan Punk, satu sisi yang aku kira perlu diambil contoh adalah semangat DIY atau Do-It-Yourself yang diamalkan mereka ini. Dari rekod dan terbitkan album sendiri tanpa terikat dengan mana-mana label besar, buat zine sendiri guna kertas A4 lipat dua, buat button sendiri dan segala maknenek lagi. Pendek kata selagi boleh buat sendiri mereka memang akan buat sendiri, semuanya demi memberi jari tengah pada Lelaki itu, iaitu personafikasi otoriti, kerajaan, bos.

 

Iyalah, zaman sekarang ini zaman mudah. Semua benda boleh dibeli asal ada wang. Cuma bila semua terjual akan ada minda-minda licik yang akan cuba mengambil kesempatan untuk membuat keuntungan lagi selepas jualan dibuat (looking at you HP) terutamanya dengan servis selepas jualan dan barang ganti. Rosak? Kami boleh baiki. Atau, buat apa baiki, beli sahaja model kami paling baru. That kind of thing. Semuanya bertitik tolak pada anggapan: Pelanggan menjalani kehidupan yang sibuk. Buat apa pening kepala, serahkan pada kami. Cuma bayar lebih sikit. Consumerism at its best.

 

Jadi bila aku yang dah lama tak buat binding bundle sendiri tiba-tiba sibuk grek-grek-grek di sudut ofis, datang kakak staff dengan muka concerned.

-Encik Amir buat apa ni?

-Buat binding kak

-Kenapa tak bagi kami je buat? 

-Sebab saya punk jawab aku angkuh, dalam hati.

 

Jauh dibelakang minda aku, ada benda yang patut aku ingat pasal binding tapi tak terlintas. Ah, lantaklah. Bila dah lama sangat tenung skrin, buat benda dengan dua tangan sendiri selain daripada menaip pun jadi syok.

 

Aku tak ingat dekat mana aku dengar atau baca tentang kenapa terdapat subjek Kemahiran Hidup disertakan dalam silibus sekolah rendah dan menengah oleh Madey. Ikut ceritanya Madey perhatikan bahawa di negara barat Handyman dibayar sedap untuk buat benda remeh seperti tukar mentol lampu, baiki paip dan lain-lain benda yang boleh je dibuat sendiri (Do-It Yourself). Madey being Madey dia pun tergerak hati nak suruh generasi baru rakyat Malaysia boleh buat sendiri baik pulih segala benda ini dan lebih lagi iatu dari bercucuk tanam, tukar tangki jamban flush, pateri papan elektronik, kerja kayu, masak nasik goreng, jahit baju dan banyak lagi lalu lahirlah subjek Kemahiran Hidup.

 

Punk jugak Madey ni.

 

Cerita pasal semangat DIY, aku ada terbaca di Amerika Syarikat berkenaan petani-petani yang bising dengan John Deere, iaitu pengeluar traktor dan peralatan pertanian yang meletakkan ‘software lock’ pada traktor dan peralatan pertanian yang mempunyai sistem perkomputeran supaya hanya jurubaiki dari pengedar yang sah sahaja boleh membuat sebarang baikpulih. Serupa juga macam ahem.. pencetak HP yang menyorokkan kod dalam security update bagi driver yang akan menolak sebarang dakwat pihak ketiga daripada digunakan.

 

Eh sukahati lah nak guna produk consumables OEM atau pihak ketiga atau nak baiki sendir ke apa. Sebagaimana perlu ada pilihan untuk beli produk kau, mesti juga ada pilihan untuk guna consumables pihak ketiga atau nak baiki sendiri. Apesal tak boleh pulak? Kalau warranty period tak habis lagi lain la cerita.

 

Setakat kali terakhir aku check hak untuk ‘right to repair’ di kalangan pengguna traktor John Deere masih belum lagi diputuskan dalam mana-mana Mahkamah di Amerika. Menarik juga bila difikirkan pasal ianya adalah pertembungan antara dua idea yang selalu dikaitkan dengan Amerika Syarikat itu sendiri iaitu freedom (termasuklah right to repair itu tadi) dan juga sistem hypercapitalism menjadi-jadi yang menjadi pedoman mereka setelah sekian lama. Yang mana akan prevail? Entah. Aku nak dok tepi kunyah popcorn.

 

Oh ya, bila menaip ini aku dah ingat kenapa aku dah lama tak buat binding dan minta tolong pupil atau kakak staff. Semuanya pasal tulang belakang aku yang mengingatkan. Sakit kemain. Nak urut sendiri tak boleh pulak.

 

Anyway,

 

Niat itu penting. Mula dengan benda mudah. Gosok baju sendiri, buat burger patty sendiri, sental jamban sendiri, basuh pinggan sendiri. Kita terlalu lentok dan lena di dodoi jingle konsumerism dan janji-janji kapitalis yang kata asal ada wang semua jalan. Selagi boleh buat sendiri kita cuba buat sendiri. Ada rasa bangga lain macam bila kau buat sesuatu dengan sendiri walaupun sedikit bengkok-bengkok sebab itu hasil kerja kau sendiri. Peluh, masa dan kesabaran kau sendiri yang digunapakai/keluar. Lain macam perasaan dia.

 

Simbahan air yang mengejut dari lena adalah PKP sewaktu COVID19 mengganas dahulu.  Bila dipaksa terperuk dalam rumah kita tak ada pilihan tapi untuk menilai semula apa kemahuan dan apa keperluan, skillset apa yang sangat perlu sampai ada mini revival DIY spirit itu dari suami yang belajar masak tak jadi pastu share di FB, carta sayur dan ikan yang disediakan untuk para suami pegi beli di pasar dan bermacam lagi. Sekarang? Entah. Aku tak tau sama ada kita sudah kembali kepada tabiat pra-PKP dahulu. Cukuplah jadi pengguna semata-mata hidup bertatang, makan berhidang.

 

Aku tulis pasal benda ini pun untuk ingatkan diri aku sendiri juga supaya bukak tali leher, selinsing lengan baju dan sental jamban pejabat dengan bersungguh-sungguh. Tak pun sesekali buat binding sendiri.

 

Baru la Punk.

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Sekejap

Again, I was lucky to be upright and functioning this morning at Shah Alam court. Two nights prior a friend invited me to second chair for a case involving a restoration of a vintage piece of equipment by an expert. So last night I went to take a quick look at the cause papers and the documents to form a first impression of the matter. The owner claimed there was a guarantee given by the expert on time it would take, the expert said it was an estimate subject to payments and availability of replacement parts requested by the owner. The owner took his sweet time to make payments and yet expected fast results. When the restoration took longer than first estimated the owner cried, Fraud! and proceeded to file a legal suit against the expert. Mind you this is no mass produced junk being restored and yet the owner dared to expect a beautiful result in a short span of time and at minimal costs. As for me, in between catching up with the said friend, throwing around possible ideas for trial, that quick look lasted until the wee hours. Oh well, I got time.

Time.

Then on my drive back from Shah Alam Court, there was a discussion on the radio about Henry David Thoreau’s piece about walking. Being an unrepentant walker forced to work at the pace of fossil fuel driven madness this piqued my interest. It was said that walking is the most democratic activity one can indulge in. Everyone walks to certain extent be you a commoner as I am or some other hoity-toity titled entity. Sure walking takes time but that is the whole point. To take the time. I can confirm that most of my problems can be solved and have been solved by walking. It was that time between crossing streets and dodging puddles that allows my brain to make connections from two seemingly separate things or ideas. Solvitur Ambulando indeed. I ought to walk more. I used to walk a lot.

Speaking of walking and time, two days before, I went for a long walk at the local park with my youngest to get him some away time from screens (damned screens) and to look at greeneries and things. Something I noticed about public parks is that the people of working age are always either jogging or running with the look of ticking off an item from their mental to-do list in their eyes as if already thinking of things to do next after the jog while the old if they move at all, moved at a deliberate pace (early morning tai chi), slow walk on the pebbly strewn reflexology path. Unhurried, not pressed for time. Enjoying themselves. Whereas the very young switches between sudden bursts of energy at the playground to slow observation of all the wonders a park can offer. Why does taking time have to be the province of the retired and the very young? Why can’t us the working adults do the same? What’s the rush?

George Mac Donald, a friend of Lewis Carroll and one of the earliest pioneers of fantasy fiction once wrote:

"Certainly work is not always required of a man. There is such a thing as a sacred idleness, the cultivation of which is now fearfully neglected" 

When I first read that quote I was thumping the table in agreement and exclaiming By God, the man speaks the truth! (It is). Mind you this quote dates to 1870 where steam engines are an indispensable assets to all manner of industries which in turn spawned a frenzy of productivity and expansion (stim dowh). At that time Marx was working on the 2nd volume of Das Kapital, Scramble for Africa is but 10 years away and mechanization already had people working, working and working like mad. Perhaps, George Mac Donald was reminiscing on the days before steam, before the madness for capital and productivity. So, it is not really a modern problem after all, this rushing about here and there.

For me idleness is that it is that time between things where you just switch off for a bit. That bit where you live your life and feel alive, between trying to make a living and staying alive. That small bit (should be bigger anyways). That sunny, peaceful valley in between the mountains of madness of our daily life. It is there, we just have to find it. We just have to take the time for it.

I am trying to not make this a rail about the dangers of modern life but it seems that taking time has been taken for granted. Considered to be an old-fashioned thing, unproductive, even. To rush is productive, to run like hell is good, to be busy is to be looked upon favourably but where are we rushing off to, really?

During lunchtime, I came across an article from The Atlantic about procrastination being a productive state of being in terms of creative works. The said article was entitled The Antidote to the Cult of Self Discipline. Despite of its title it was more on the need to take time in order to create something beautiful rather than a rail against self discipline. Ok-lah, a rail it was but against productivity rather than against self-discipline. Of course there were references made to works done in defiance of the office hours and what constitutes as productive use of time but this line in particular caught my eye:

‘’ … it’s the strange mental collisions between the thinking mind and the wandering mind that yield the most interesting results. These are the moments when artistry sneaks in unbidden; Annabel understands that if art is created out of life, the latter has to have space to happen.’’

To this I wholeheartedly agree and say that it extends beyond creation of arts or artistry. It is not procrastination either. Rather, it is the time for ideas and thoughts to gel together. Besides, who or where was it said that we human beings do not learn from absorbing information. We learn from reflecting on things. Making connection from what we have absorbed with what we have experienced. Just like walking, that too, takes time.

If time is one of the natural order of things, then to take time is surely in accordance with nature.

Doughs need time for the yeast to do its magic, a chili plant even with fertilizers would need time to bear fruit. We still need time to rest and sleep to perform optimally for despite all the energy drinks and stimulants in the world nothing can ever compare to a good nights sleep and to be sure, there is a world of difference between an instant maggi asam laksa and lovingly crafted actual asam laksa. One is survival food, the other, soul food. And we ate far too many maggi asam laksa. We feed our body but forget to nourish our soul, thinking that accumulation of more and the quicker in the doing is better. Is it, really?

To be good, to produce good things is to take your time. Yet, we push ourselves pedal to the metal almost everyday in the name of productivity that taking your time is almost a dirty word. Is it any wonder that we are a society rife with anxieties, depression and all sorts of other mental and emotional issues. Nowadays, we know the value of time, we calculate it obsessively and bemoan its lack in terms of productivity but not of its meaning in relation to Life as a whole. Waiting, is for losers, Patience is a long-lost word. We have forgotten its meaning and somewhere along the way we drank the sirap (or Koolaid if you prefer it) of modernity and have joined the cult of speed.

Slow down.

Give a hug, a kiss, dance a slow dance with no music on. Invest in a full-on tickling contest with your kids. Build that Lego set with your kid. Walk or even run in the rain deliberately. A long walk in the morning or in the evening. Enjoy the sunrise or sunset. Sit on a park bench and observe people going by, observe from the smallest to the biggest of insects flying and crawling around. Be still. Take a deep breath. Take a break. Take a moment to distance yourself from the matter at hand. From your problem. From work. Let the world spin on while we just sit there, alive and yet not an active participant. Merely absorbing the world around us from our senses. Savouring the fact that we are alive, one of millions on this planet with our own dreams and expectations.

Surely, we have the time for that, while we are still alive.

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