The Wide Open Field

Not too long ago, a friend called me up. He asked me the kind of question I once asked my Mentor about practicing. Like me, that friend of mine was of the same vintage in terms of years in practice. In brief he had joined a friend's firm as a Legal Assistant after being partner in another firm. 

Like me, he craved the stability of income which is of course something that is paramount once you have a family. Also like me, his chosen field is litigation. He had been out there doing his thing, having fun doing all sorts of cases and also like me he has problem coming back to a structured office existence. Exactly like me, he finds people passing by his room distracting as hell and finds it exasperating for a friend who is also the managing partner in his new firm to give instruction in a roundabout way as if wanting you to do something and yet not wanting to sound as to be bossing you around.  But the long and short of it, he wants to know if giving up his independent existence is a mistake. 

My first thought which of course I did not say out loud is: this sounds familiar. My follow up thought was: Darn it dude, I am not the Oracle of Delphi. But since he asked, I had to give it a go.

From what I know so far, a father and a husband has three chains that binds him, one being love, the second being responsibility and the last and final one being reality. All but reality are the ones a Man willingly binds himself upon. To discard love and responsibility in favour of a whim is to be in my eyes, a less of a Man.

At the same time, one cannot be living a lie by being someone who he is not, and this is where my Mentor's words rang true and I quote this from memory: Us litigators have been too long in the wild to be tamed. We have to do it our way or no way. To that I added: But if being tamed is what you have to do for the sake of your family then that is what you do.

Enkidu, the wild man of the Epic of Gilgamesh found his animal friends shying away from him for he stank of domestication and civilization but he did it nonetheless out of his love for Shamhat the temple priestess (we leave the argument whether a Woman is a civilizing aspect of a Man aside for the moment: Consider the Trojan War and Helen of Troy).

Is the proverbial domestication the logical conclusion after years of living free? I do not know. Maybe there is a middle way but I have not found it yet. To live free and yet not to worry about supporting one's family.  I can only tell myself that, that wide open field is always there, if not in this world, in the next and no, I did not mean that line and that wide open fields from The Gladiator. 

Let them eat (Oat)cakes!

Where I was a few days ago they botch a bowl of oatmeal porridge like nobody’s business. What they serve out would be something that falls into oat glue category rather than oatmeal porridge and I don’t even know how they managed that. It is hard to ruin a good bowl of oatmeal porridge considering making one is easy. You don’t need fancy cooking skills. Just some oats (steel cut, rolled, who cares), water or milk in a pot, medium heat, a bit of time till it bubbles and there you are. Or if you have a microwave oven, 2-3 minutes will do the trick for a bowl of oatmeal porridge. Add a knob of butter or brown sugar or anything else that strikes your fancy. Maybe some Sambal Goreng Kak Nor for that extra crunch and spiciness. Maybe a hearty dollop of Tempoyak if you are feeling reckless. Hey, it’s your oatmeal. I don’t judge.

If you don’t feel up to a bowl of oatmeal porridge try this what I erroneously call, oatcakes.

In a big bowl, mix in a cup and a half of oats (does not matter whether it is instant, quick cook or what have you) with a dash of baking soda, some brown sugar (not too much). Then take the same cup and fill it half with hot water (less if you like your oatcakes to be of harder consistency). If you are lazy like me to wait for the butter to soften, just add some to a less than half cup of hot water and stir whilst looking out the kitchen window. Dump the hot water/butter mixture into the bowl and mix. Add more butter if you want to. You will end up with a sticky mound of oat. Add a bit of flour to the bowl and mix if you find it necessary. Dump the whole thing into a baking tray lined with a baking sheet. Some recipes called for more flour and modest application of rolling pin and cookie cutter prior to baking. I say to hell with all that. So long as it is sufficiently round and (somewhat) flat, bake it in the oven over temperatures of 180 for at least 35 minutes, 45 minutes max. You can bake the same in an air fryer. Same temperature and time.  

After 45 minutes and depending on the water to oats ratio, you will end up with a cookie-like crunchy exterior with slightly chewy interior. Play around with the oat to water ratio and the amount of butter for best results. You can go all fancy if you like with some grated cinnamon, raisins or nuts. It is your oatcake after all. I kept my simple. If the situation calls for it, the bare recipe calls for just oats, water and a pinch of salt and some baking. Best eaten hot for breakfast or tea. The remainder will keep for at least a week. More if frozen. Reheated remainder will go down nice dunked in milk or crumbled in a bowl of warm milk. French cookery this is not but 9 of 10 times I had this served out to my boys, they ate them all up. Clean plates all around.

Oats are food for horses, the Scots and me (and my boys). Humble food they call it. I've loved it ever since I first had it in my childhood years. Hardy crop, fairly cheap grain and like previously mentioned, easy to cook. If done badly it can taste like wet cardboard. When done right it is a comfort food that sticks to your bone. Boil it, toast it, leave in the fridge for a night with some nuts, raisins and yoghurt to soak in. Make porridge, cakes, bread, cookies out of it. Use it as filler for patties, meatballs and meat loafs, or as substitute for breadcrumbs when frying stuff and if you are trying to lose weight; a great substitute for rice. Your stomach will thank you (regularly), as will your heart and your blood pressure. On the practicalities, oats has long shelf life. 12 months to 2 years (if the package remained unopened) Perfect survival food for doomsday preppers and for quarantines alike. If I can grow a small field of it in my backyard I would have done so. Versatile stuff.

I wrote this because after that bowl of goop I felt an analogy stirring in me. Something about oats, versatility and legal practice.

Ah, never mind. I lost it.

Eat oats. Its good for you.

Sonata For Good Men

There are simply days that I loath to be alone with my own thoughts where the dread and anxieties of tomorrow are all too overpowering that it saps away my focus to work. It would make my heart race and set my feet tapping impatiently. Those would be the days that I would leave the office early after doing all that I can at work before seeking company amongst my practitioner close friends. The vet small timers, the newbies, the yet-to get-there. They get me. We fight the same battles. The difference is in setting and scale. They feel the same allure of stability that is expected of them and yet they have the same love for independence that made them start on own, that punk-ish urge to do it themselves and give the finger to norms and expectations. They feel and battle through the feeling of anxiety, depression or downright being burnt out all the time, they have the same concerns about providing for their family and most importantly they know the need to make a difference in an indifferent world by what we do. We struggle to make sense of our place in this world. In a way we are jihadists, sans the AKs and balaclavas and suicide vests. We all struggle to live.

I would like to think that I emerged from the COVID Pandemic and the Lockdowns unscathed but the reality is I emerged from the lockdown to crave the reassurance that only human company can provide. These chaps would be it. They get it. Over chai, tea or other beverages and copious amounts of nicotine in many forms, we’d talk shit, whine about clients, judges, cases, come up with schemes (sometimes wacky) to make money by way of legal practice, exchange legal opinion or two over some case or other, sought and give advice and in between all those, talk about Life itself. I would not demean these sessions to call them as lepak-ing.  They are not. In fact these sessions are beyond it. Lepak-ing in my dictionary would mean a stretch of time spent on doing nothing worthwhile. These sessions are not it. These sessions are worth it. Despite the meandering conversations and dick jokes not once have I ever emerged at the end of it unenlightened over some matter or other. As the parlance goes; sentiasa ada pengisian. Both figuratively and physiologically as my chest would hurt from the smoking after such hours long session and sometimes my cheeks would hurt from all the grin and laughter but my head would be clear, my heart no longer raced. I would be at peace. In a way it is therapy but with naan or meggi goreng. All thanks to these close friends.

In the words of my guru, sometimes I pick them up, sometimes they pick me up. These handful of men. Good men. For sure they have their own flaws, as do I. Who doesn’t?  That does not negate their kindness, their willingness to help, their good conscience. And it is the flaws that made them approachable and identifiable to me at first. I wanted to be amongst fellow Men, not mythical beings. To be a man is to have flaws. ‘’You love despite the faults’’, William Faulkner once wrote or said, I can’t be sure which, and I love these handful of good men to bits. They are my brothers from my other mother and wish them all the best in the world.

May they land that whale of a client, may they find success in everything that they do,

May they have peace and contemplation in their household,

May they have stillness in their hearts and may God grant them their earnest wishes.

May we live a long and fruitful life so that I can taunt them for being a bunch of old geezers for I will be forever young (in my head).

May they remain good men. 

 

   

Do you feel lucky Punk?

Bila cerita tentang punk imej pertama yang selalunya akan terbit adalah gaya rambut mohawk atau berceracak tegak dan denim rabak dan busuk dengan patches, dumpster diving. Aku tak mahu bercakap tentang pemakaian atau ideologi yang dipegang oleh golongan Punk ini ataupun musik Punk itu sendiri. Itu boleh di Google.

 

Tak kira apa tanggapan kau tentang golongan Punk, satu sisi yang aku kira perlu diambil contoh adalah semangat DIY atau Do-It-Yourself yang diamalkan mereka ini. Dari rekod dan terbitkan album sendiri tanpa terikat dengan mana-mana label besar, buat zine sendiri guna kertas A4 lipat dua, buat button sendiri dan segala maknenek lagi. Pendek kata selagi boleh buat sendiri mereka memang akan buat sendiri, semuanya demi memberi jari tengah pada Lelaki itu, iaitu personafikasi otoriti, kerajaan, bos.

 

Iyalah, zaman sekarang ini zaman mudah. Semua benda boleh dibeli asal ada wang. Cuma bila semua terjual akan ada minda-minda licik yang akan cuba mengambil kesempatan untuk membuat keuntungan lagi selepas jualan dibuat (looking at you HP) terutamanya dengan servis selepas jualan dan barang ganti. Rosak? Kami boleh baiki. Atau, buat apa baiki, beli sahaja model kami paling baru. That kind of thing. Semuanya bertitik tolak pada anggapan: Pelanggan menjalani kehidupan yang sibuk. Buat apa pening kepala, serahkan pada kami. Cuma bayar lebih sikit. Consumerism at its best.

 

Jadi bila aku yang dah lama tak buat binding bundle sendiri tiba-tiba sibuk grek-grek-grek di sudut ofis, datang kakak staff dengan muka concerned.

-Encik Amir buat apa ni?

-Buat binding kak

-Kenapa tak bagi kami je buat? 

-Sebab saya punk jawab aku angkuh, dalam hati.

 

Jauh dibelakang minda aku, ada benda yang patut aku ingat pasal binding tapi tak terlintas. Ah, lantaklah. Bila dah lama sangat tenung skrin, buat benda dengan dua tangan sendiri selain daripada menaip pun jadi syok.

 

Aku tak ingat dekat mana aku dengar atau baca tentang kenapa terdapat subjek Kemahiran Hidup disertakan dalam silibus sekolah rendah dan menengah oleh Madey. Ikut ceritanya Madey perhatikan bahawa di negara barat Handyman dibayar sedap untuk buat benda remeh seperti tukar mentol lampu, baiki paip dan lain-lain benda yang boleh je dibuat sendiri (Do-It Yourself). Madey being Madey dia pun tergerak hati nak suruh generasi baru rakyat Malaysia boleh buat sendiri baik pulih segala benda ini dan lebih lagi iatu dari bercucuk tanam, tukar tangki jamban flush, pateri papan elektronik, kerja kayu, masak nasik goreng, jahit baju dan banyak lagi lalu lahirlah subjek Kemahiran Hidup.

 

Punk jugak Madey ni.

 

Cerita pasal semangat DIY, aku ada terbaca di Amerika Syarikat berkenaan petani-petani yang bising dengan John Deere, iaitu pengeluar traktor dan peralatan pertanian yang meletakkan ‘software lock’ pada traktor dan peralatan pertanian yang mempunyai sistem perkomputeran supaya hanya jurubaiki dari pengedar yang sah sahaja boleh membuat sebarang baikpulih. Serupa juga macam ahem.. pencetak HP yang menyorokkan kod dalam security update bagi driver yang akan menolak sebarang dakwat pihak ketiga daripada digunakan.

 

Eh sukahati lah nak guna produk consumables OEM atau pihak ketiga atau nak baiki sendir ke apa. Sebagaimana perlu ada pilihan untuk beli produk kau, mesti juga ada pilihan untuk guna consumables pihak ketiga atau nak baiki sendiri. Apesal tak boleh pulak? Kalau warranty period tak habis lagi lain la cerita.

 

Setakat kali terakhir aku check hak untuk ‘right to repair’ di kalangan pengguna traktor John Deere masih belum lagi diputuskan dalam mana-mana Mahkamah di Amerika. Menarik juga bila difikirkan pasal ianya adalah pertembungan antara dua idea yang selalu dikaitkan dengan Amerika Syarikat itu sendiri iaitu freedom (termasuklah right to repair itu tadi) dan juga sistem hypercapitalism menjadi-jadi yang menjadi pedoman mereka setelah sekian lama. Yang mana akan prevail? Entah. Aku nak dok tepi kunyah popcorn.

 

Oh ya, bila menaip ini aku dah ingat kenapa aku dah lama tak buat binding dan minta tolong pupil atau kakak staff. Semuanya pasal tulang belakang aku yang mengingatkan. Sakit kemain. Nak urut sendiri tak boleh pulak.

 

Anyway,

 

Niat itu penting. Mula dengan benda mudah. Gosok baju sendiri, buat burger patty sendiri, sental jamban sendiri, basuh pinggan sendiri. Kita terlalu lentok dan lena di dodoi jingle konsumerism dan janji-janji kapitalis yang kata asal ada wang semua jalan. Selagi boleh buat sendiri kita cuba buat sendiri. Ada rasa bangga lain macam bila kau buat sesuatu dengan sendiri walaupun sedikit bengkok-bengkok sebab itu hasil kerja kau sendiri. Peluh, masa dan kesabaran kau sendiri yang digunapakai/keluar. Lain macam perasaan dia.

 

Simbahan air yang mengejut dari lena adalah PKP sewaktu COVID19 mengganas dahulu.  Bila dipaksa terperuk dalam rumah kita tak ada pilihan tapi untuk menilai semula apa kemahuan dan apa keperluan, skillset apa yang sangat perlu sampai ada mini revival DIY spirit itu dari suami yang belajar masak tak jadi pastu share di FB, carta sayur dan ikan yang disediakan untuk para suami pegi beli di pasar dan bermacam lagi. Sekarang? Entah. Aku tak tau sama ada kita sudah kembali kepada tabiat pra-PKP dahulu. Cukuplah jadi pengguna semata-mata hidup bertatang, makan berhidang.

 

Aku tulis pasal benda ini pun untuk ingatkan diri aku sendiri juga supaya bukak tali leher, selinsing lengan baju dan sental jamban pejabat dengan bersungguh-sungguh. Tak pun sesekali buat binding sendiri.

 

Baru la Punk.

Sekejap

Again, I was lucky to be upright and functioning this morning at Shah Alam court. Two nights prior a friend invited me to second chair for a case involving a restoration of a vintage piece of equipment by an expert. So last night I went to take a quick look at the cause papers and the documents to form a first impression of the matter. The owner claimed there was a guarantee given by the expert on time it would take, the expert said it was an estimate subject to payments and availability of replacement parts requested by the owner. The owner took his sweet time to make payments and yet expected fast results. When the restoration took longer than first estimated the owner cried, Fraud! and proceeded to file a legal suit against the expert. Mind you this is no mass produced junk being restored and yet the owner dared to expect a beautiful result in a short span of time and at minimal costs. As for me, in between catching up with the said friend, throwing around possible ideas for trial, that quick look lasted until the wee hours. Oh well, I got time.

Time.

Then on my drive back from Shah Alam Court, there was a discussion on the radio about Henry David Thoreau’s piece about walking. Being an unrepentant walker forced to work at the pace of fossil fuel driven madness this piqued my interest. It was said that walking is the most democratic activity one can indulge in. Everyone walks to certain extent be you a commoner as I am or some other hoity-toity titled entity. Sure walking takes time but that is the whole point. To take the time. I can confirm that most of my problems can be solved and have been solved by walking. It was that time between crossing streets and dodging puddles that allows my brain to make connections from two seemingly separate things or ideas. Solvitur Ambulando indeed. I ought to walk more. I used to walk a lot.

Speaking of walking and time, two days before, I went for a long walk at the local park with my youngest to get him some away time from screens (damned screens) and to look at greeneries and things. Something I noticed about public parks is that the people of working age are always either jogging or running with the look of ticking off an item from their mental to-do list in their eyes as if already thinking of things to do next after the jog while the old if they move at all, moved at a deliberate pace (early morning tai chi), slow walk on the pebbly strewn reflexology path. Unhurried, not pressed for time. Enjoying themselves. Whereas the very young switches between sudden bursts of energy at the playground to slow observation of all the wonders a park can offer. Why does taking time have to be the province of the retired and the very young? Why can’t us the working adults do the same? What’s the rush?

George Mac Donald, a friend of Lewis Carroll and one of the earliest pioneers of fantasy fiction once wrote:

"Certainly work is not always required of a man. There is such a thing as a sacred idleness, the cultivation of which is now fearfully neglected" 

When I first read that quote I was thumping the table in agreement and exclaiming By God, the man speaks the truth! (It is). Mind you this quote dates to 1870 where steam engines are an indispensable assets to all manner of industries which in turn spawned a frenzy of productivity and expansion (stim dowh). At that time Marx was working on the 2nd volume of Das Kapital, Scramble for Africa is but 10 years away and mechanization already had people working, working and working like mad. Perhaps, George Mac Donald was reminiscing on the days before steam, before the madness for capital and productivity. So, it is not really a modern problem after all, this rushing about here and there.

For me idleness is that it is that time between things where you just switch off for a bit. That bit where you live your life and feel alive, between trying to make a living and staying alive. That small bit (should be bigger anyways). That sunny, peaceful valley in between the mountains of madness of our daily life. It is there, we just have to find it. We just have to take the time for it.

I am trying to not make this a rail about the dangers of modern life but it seems that taking time has been taken for granted. Considered to be an old-fashioned thing, unproductive, even. To rush is productive, to run like hell is good, to be busy is to be looked upon favourably but where are we rushing off to, really?

During lunchtime, I came across an article from The Atlantic about procrastination being a productive state of being in terms of creative works. The said article was entitled The Antidote to the Cult of Self Discipline. Despite of its title it was more on the need to take time in order to create something beautiful rather than a rail against self discipline. Ok-lah, a rail it was but against productivity rather than against self-discipline. Of course there were references made to works done in defiance of the office hours and what constitutes as productive use of time but this line in particular caught my eye:

‘’ … it’s the strange mental collisions between the thinking mind and the wandering mind that yield the most interesting results. These are the moments when artistry sneaks in unbidden; Annabel understands that if art is created out of life, the latter has to have space to happen.’’

To this I wholeheartedly agree and say that it extends beyond creation of arts or artistry. It is not procrastination either. Rather, it is the time for ideas and thoughts to gel together. Besides, who or where was it said that we human beings do not learn from absorbing information. We learn from reflecting on things. Making connection from what we have absorbed with what we have experienced. Just like walking, that too, takes time.

If time is one of the natural order of things, then to take time is surely in accordance with nature.

Doughs need time for the yeast to do its magic, a chili plant even with fertilizers would need time to bear fruit. We still need time to rest and sleep to perform optimally for despite all the energy drinks and stimulants in the world nothing can ever compare to a good nights sleep and to be sure, there is a world of difference between an instant maggi asam laksa and lovingly crafted actual asam laksa. One is survival food, the other, soul food. And we ate far too many maggi asam laksa. We feed our body but forget to nourish our soul, thinking that accumulation of more and the quicker in the doing is better. Is it, really?

To be good, to produce good things is to take your time. Yet, we push ourselves pedal to the metal almost everyday in the name of productivity that taking your time is almost a dirty word. Is it any wonder that we are a society rife with anxieties, depression and all sorts of other mental and emotional issues. Nowadays, we know the value of time, we calculate it obsessively and bemoan its lack in terms of productivity but not of its meaning in relation to Life as a whole. Waiting, is for losers, Patience is a long-lost word. We have forgotten its meaning and somewhere along the way we drank the sirap (or Koolaid if you prefer it) of modernity and have joined the cult of speed.

Slow down.

Give a hug, a kiss, dance a slow dance with no music on. Invest in a full-on tickling contest with your kids. Build that Lego set with your kid. Walk or even run in the rain deliberately. A long walk in the morning or in the evening. Enjoy the sunrise or sunset. Sit on a park bench and observe people going by, observe from the smallest to the biggest of insects flying and crawling around. Be still. Take a deep breath. Take a break. Take a moment to distance yourself from the matter at hand. From your problem. From work. Let the world spin on while we just sit there, alive and yet not an active participant. Merely absorbing the world around us from our senses. Savouring the fact that we are alive, one of millions on this planet with our own dreams and expectations.

Surely, we have the time for that, while we are still alive.

Mak

 

Where do I even begin.

Mak pernah cakap dengan aku dulu, Hidup ni umpama tayar. Kadang-kadang di atas. Kadang-kadang di bawah. Bila dah tua bangka ni baru faham maksudnya apa. Menang bukan selalu, kalah bukan selamanya. Hidup ada cara untuk buat kau rasa humbled bila perlu dan memberi motivasi untuk terus berjalan tatkala kau rasa kena hempuk bertalu-talu dengan nasib tak baik. 

Macam itulah kut kehidupan Mak. Dia bukan datang dari keluarga senang. Susah sangat pun tak jugak. Middle class la kut. Arwah Atuk dulu kerja dengan British Army, jadi Chief Clerk katanya sampai disiplin ketat tu dibawak balik ke rumah. Memang patut pun. Adik beradik mak ramai. Dia antara paling muda. Belajar pun bukan jurusan professional. Tapi pelajaran Mak paling besar bukan dari universiti. Ayat klisenya mak belajar dari kehidupan, lebih tepat lagi kehidupan lepas universiti. Dan kehidupan Mak  banyak mengajar aku.

Mak banyak kali disalahanggap sebagai seorang peguam. Satu, from time to time dia akan pakai hitam putih bila pegi kerja dan lagi satu dan paling penting, dia tak takut dengan sesiapa. Dia nampak ada yang tak kena pada tempatnya, benda tak betul, memang dia akan tegur, memang dia akan bebel. Dia akan gaduh(mulut) kalau perlu. Berdarah la telinga, tersiat-siatlah ego kau kalau kena. Itu satu skill tak turun sepenuhnya pada aku. Aku man of peace. Most of the time-lah. 

Masa muda, baru berkahwin, Mak dengan Abah rajin mengumpul majalah National Geographic. Majalah berkulit kuning inilah yang menjadi tingkap pertama aku pada dunia. Bila Mak meningkat usia dia mula baca buku-buku Stephen Covey. Malcom Gladwell. Jenis-jenis buku macam tu. Buku self-help. Cerita pasal manusia, pasal cemana nak lengkapkan diri, baiki diri untuk menghadapi perangai manusia, nak menghadapi dunia. Agaknya dari situ aku pun mula minat menelaah pasal falsafah. Iyalah, falsafah ini pun berkisar tentang manusia, perangai manusia dan kehidupan. Sekarang bila dah tua Mak rajin menyelak buku agama, fikir pasal di Sana nanti pula. 

Mak memang sayangkan kami adik-beradik. Makan pakai semua cukup, tak kiralah waktu dia suri rumah sepenuh masa atau bila dia mula bekerja semula. Makan semua dia masak from scratch. The kind of food that sticks to your bones. Takde maknanya benda-benda instant ni. Aku cuma aktif makan megi bila dah masuk universiti. Kalau Mak masak, memang bertambah-tambah nasik. Bila di Kedah, aku rindu sambal tempe ikan bilis dia. Kadang-kadang sampai call tanya harini masak apa. Pastu kena bebel: tanya masak apa bukan boleh makan pun dia cakap. Aku balik dari Kedah kurus (ini bukan mitos) sampai ada sepupu tanya aku isap dadah ke. 

Itu, satu lagi skill dia yang tak turun pada aku. Memasak. Padahal itu survival skill penting tiap lelaki kena ada selepas menjahit. Takat goreng telur, nasik goreng cincai boleh lah. Tapi nak memasak sampai ramuan tu main agak-agak je campak tapi sedap menjadi, itu memang bukan kepakaran aku. Aku bukan Mak. 

Dia pernah kata dahulu, my children are my life. Dengan siapa sahaja dia tak bergaduh demi kami adik-beradik. Apa saja mak tak buat untuk besar kan kami. Sampaikan aku rasa dia betul-betul mula menikmati hidup ini bila kami dah besar panjang pasal dia sentiasa ada dengan kami. Sentiasa. Tapi iyalah, bila meningkat remaja, membesar mula lah nak melawan, little shits that we were. Konon nak melebar sayap. 

Dari masa ke semasa ada juga aku jenguk, bawak cucu-cucu dia buat teman kasi senyum tengok gelagat dua hero. Tapi tak selalu. Aku pun tak pasti kenapa. Sebenarnya tak ada alasan untuk aku tak luangkan masa dia sebagaimana dia banyak habiskan masa dengan kami waktu kecik dulu. Aku bukan kerja 9 to 5 pun. Aku bukan answerable pada sesiapa kecuali pada client. Entahlah. Mungkin kerana banyak titi-titi yang roboh tak boleh diseberangi kembali, simpang diambil yang tak boleh berpatah balik. 

Boleh jadi juga itu hanya alasan. Aku harap esok hari aku tak kena menjawab kenapa aku tak luangkan masa dengan dia masa dia masih ada. 

Baru baru ini hari lahir Mak. Dia hantar WhatsApp pada anak menantu pesan tentang akhirat. Pesan tentang rapuhnya kebergantungan pada manusia itu. People will fail you. Sometimes inadvertently. Sometimes deliberately. Kat situ aku tau Mak memang cakap dari pengalaman sendiri. A number of people failed Mak. If I am honest with myself, I might even count myself as one of them, inadvertently. Aku manusia, tak sempurna. Mak pun sama walaupun bagi aku dia the only superwoman in the world sebab lalui apa yang dia lalui untuk besarkan kami. Alhamdulillah jadi la juga orang kami adik beradik ni. 

Mak adalah produk generasi dia jadi sememangnya ada benda yang Mak dan aku tak sependapat. Tapi tak sependapat macam mana pun dia Mak aku. One and only. 

Kehidupan Mak ajar aku bahawa hidup tak adil tapi itu bukan alasan untuk kau tak berlaku adil pada orang lain. Mak ajar aku untuk take no shit from no one, untuk terus melawan dan terus melawan. Mak juga ajar bahawa a good pair of shoes are the best investment one can make. Dari Mak juga aku belajar untuk jangan harapkan orang untuk tolong kau kalau kau sendiri tak cuba tolong diri kau sendiri, bahawa sesungguhnya tak ada alasan untuk tak belajar. That everything and everyone is a lesson for you.

Aku tak tahu macam mana kehidupan bila Mak tak ada nanti. Kerana Mak sentiasa ada. That one constant in my life bila semua benda kejap-kejap berubah. 

Mungkin itu pelajaran terakhir dari Mak. Final lesson on growing up. That one day she will no longer be around to guide me (and nag me). My first and greatest teacher. My north star.

My mother. 

The Paratrooper's Prayer

Aku tak berapa pandai untuk menilai dan menikmati puisi. Ada cuba tapi mungkin aku belum cukup cultured lagi. Mungkin perlu mendalami lagi kerja-kerja pemuisi dahulu kala. 

Dalam Call Sign Chaos, Jim Mattis ada merujuk kepada The Paratrooper's Prayer. Ini yang seronok baca buku bukan fiksyen, bibiliografi yang memberikan kau lagi banyak buku dan bahan lain untuk kau baca. The Paratrooper's Prayer ini ditulis oleh Andre Zirnheld iaitu seorang profesor falsafah dan kemudiannya anggota pasukan payung terjun bersama Free French Air Force sewaktu Perang Dunia Kedua. Beliau meninggal dunia selepas menyertai serangan SAS (Special Air Service) ke atas lapangan terbang tentera Jerman di Sidi Haneish di mana SAS dengan menggunapakai 18 buah jip bermesingan menjahanamkan 37 pesawat tentera Jerman pada waktu itu.

Sekali aku baca The Paratrooper's Prayer terus aku minat. The Paratrooper's Prayer ini bagi aku menarik kerana ianya satu bentuk doa atau juga boleh jadi satu puisi yang menyuntik semangat. Ikut kau nak pilih yang mana. Yang penting, ianya bagi aku satu doa/puisi yang lain daripada lain kerana nadanya yang sangat merendah diri dan berserah tapi pada masa yang sama, defiant. Itu membuatkannya ianya relatable, terutamanya kepada pengamal undang-undang yang mengamal di dalam firma sendiri yang bagi aku, berani dan cekal. Semoga kalian kekal berani dan cekal. Semoga kalian dapat mendaratkan kes sebesar paus lagenda dalam hayat kalian.

Semoga kalian kekal defiant. 

 

La Prière du Para

Je m'adresse à vous, mon Dieu, car vous donnez

Ce qu'on ne peut obtenir que de soi

Donnez-moi, mon Dieu, ce qui vous reste

Donnez-moi ce qu'on ne vous demande jamais.

 

Je ne vous demande pas le repos

Ni la tranquillité

Ni celle de l'âme, ni celle du corps.

Je ne vous demande pas la richesse

Ni le succès, ni même la santé.

 

Tout ça, mon Dieu, on vous le demande tellement

Que vous ne devez plus en avoir.

Donnez-moi, mon Dieu, ce qui vous reste

Donnez-moi ce que l'on vous refuse.

 

Je veux l'insécurité et l'inquiétude.

Je veux la tourmente et la bagarre

Et que vous me les donniez, mon Dieu, définitivement.

Que je sois sûr de les avoir toujours

Car je n'aurai pas toujours le courage

De vous les demander.

 

Donnez-moi, mon Dieu, ce qui vous reste.

Donnez-moi ce dont les autres ne veulent pas.

Mais donnez-moi aussi le courage

Et la force et la foi.

Car vous seul donnez, mon Dieu,

Ce que l'on ne peut attendre que de soi.

 

 

Prayer of the Paratrooper

Give me, O Lord, what remains Thine;

What no one ever asks of Thee.

I do not ask Thee for rest

Nor tranquility,

Neither of the soul nor of the body.

I do not ask Thee for riches,

Nor success,

Nor even health.

So many ask you for these, O Lord,

Thou shouldst no longer have anything left to give.

Give me Lord, what remains Thine.

Give me that which all of us refuse.

I want insecurity and restlessness,

I want struggle and trouble.

And grant them to me, My Lord, forever.

Make sure that I will always take them

Because I will not always have the courage

To ask of Thee for them.

Give me, O Lord, what remains Thine,

Give me what others do not want;

But give me also the Courage,

And the Strength,

And the Faith.

Amen.

 

 

 

On Freedom

 

‘’Aye, Fight and you may die. Run and you may live. At least for a while..and lying in your bed many years from now , would you be willing to trade all the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take... OUR FREEDOM’’

Lebih kurang macam itu lah ucapan William Wallace (dilakonkan oleh Mel Gibson) memberi semangat kepada Highlanders sebelum beliau dan geng-geng nya dikatakan menyelak belted plaid masing-masing dan menayang punggung dan lain bahagian badan bagi menganjing angkatan Inggeris sewaktu pertempuran di Stirling Bridge (dalam salinan VHS selepas tapisan LPF cuma ada suggestion, bukan perbuatan itu sendiri). Banyak ketidak tepatan sejarah dalam Braveheart. Perihal tayang punggung dan bahagian lain itu paling tidak tepat kerana pemakaian belted plaid itu hanya bermula sekitar kurun ke 15 sebegitu. Tapi bagi budak yang baru berjinak-jinak dengan pemakaian kain pelikat yang kebetulan ada iras sikit dengan belted plaid ataupun kilt ianya adalah satu bentuk acknowledgment yang manhood is not confined to wearing pants dan paling penting;

kain pelikat = freedom.

Macam belted plaid/great kilt, kain pelikat adalah satu pakaian yang versatile bagi lelaki. Berangin pun ya, bila keadaan sejuk ianya boleh memastikan bahagian yang perlu kekal warm and toasty kekal sedemikian. Sebagai satu alat, macam macam boleh dibuat dengan kain pelikat. Selimut, menahan bahang matahari, dibuat jadi bindle atau buntil untuk simpan barang kalau tak ada beg, kain bedung bayi, kain samping kalau malas nak pakai samping songket. Pendek kata macam-macam lah boleh dibuat dengan kain pelikat. Sehelai kain pelikat ada bermacam kegunaan praktikal selagi ada imaginasi. Sebab itu aku kaitkan kain pelikat dengan kebebasan.

Salah satu pencapaian aku yang paling membanggakan setakat awal tahun ini adalah berjaya membuatkan anak-anak aku berminat untuk memakai kain pelikat. Sebenarnya diorang biasa melihat aku berkain pelikat dalam rumah. Bukan benda baharu pun. Entah macam mana tergerak hati nak cadangkan pada yang paling muda untuk cuba pakai. Dia suka. Yang tua pula bila nampak si adik berkain pelikat pun nak join sama. Bila dua-dua berkain pelikat dalam rumah aku senyum bangga. Dalam hati aku; they are boys and soon they will be men. Aku terfikir sebegitu kerana aku hanya betul-betul memahami kebebasan berkain pelikat selepas berkhatan. Kiranya satu rite of passage. Kerana untuk sebab yang nyata bila betul-betul lepas berkhatan itu nak berseluar memang siksa. Perit tau perit. Ada bahagian yang perlu bebas bergerak lepas berkhatan maka kain pelikat itu pakaian yang paling ideal. Mula-mula mencuba. Lama-lama makin biasa berkain pelikat.  

Waktu aku mula memakai kain pelikat juga adalah waktu aku mula membaca novel-novel patriotik terbitan Dewan Bahasa dan Pustaka yang mana figura-figura pra Kemerdekaan gigih melawan pihak British dan anasir-anasir imperialis lain (Pahlawan Parang Panjang!). Kebanyakkannya hanya bersenjatakan keris, senjata tajam lain atau sumpit (Libau Rentap!) dan keinginan membuak-buak untuk bebas. Macam William Wallace et al.

Aku budak pada masa itu, jadi segala mesej-mesej nasionalistik itu aku telan bulat-bulat. Nampak seperti figura-figura dari lipatan sejarah itu suci bersih tak ada cela. Bila dah besar panjang dan lagi membaca barulah faham yang ada yang menentang British kerana hak mengutip cukai dan lain-lain hak tradisional (institusi perhambaan) diganggu gugat. Manusia kan kata orang putih: nuanced. Bukan semua yang ada purity of purpose sebagaimana bukan semua guru agama yang berserban, ada juga yang memakai cepiau Bintang Tiga (Re: Mat Indera). William Wallace pun ada yang kata bahawa beliau berjuang untuk hak Scotland ada raja sendiri dan untuk menjaga harta dan tanah kepunyaan beliau, bukan untuk hak rakyat jelata Scotland macam dalam Braveheart. Seperti aku cakap tadi, nuanced.

Dari pembacaan/tontonan aku dan makin umur aku meningkat makin aku percaya bahawa tak kira la apa takdir yang dicampak itu, untung nasib seseorang, atau sesebuah kaum atau sekelompok manusia itu adalah bertitiktolak dari pilihan mereka sendiri dan pilihan hanya boleh dibuat oleh mereka yang bebas. Bebas itu perlu. Jadi apabila kebebasan itu dimansuhkan, dirampas, diambilalih oleh mereka yang tak berkenaan maka naluri semulajadi manusia adalah untuk melawan. Dari bumi Palestin yang melawan sejak 75 tahun dahulu sehingga kini, Tibet, Turkistan Timur, Catalunya, Ukraine, Chiapas, First Nations di Amerika Utara dan banyak lagi. Semuanya melawan dengan pelbagai cara demi mendapat kebebasan untuk memilih itu. Untuk kebebasan menentukan nasib sendiri.

Buya Hamka pernah berkata, “Kalau hidup sekadar hidup, babi di hutan juga hidup. Kalau bekerja sekadar bekerja, kera juga bekerja.’’ Bekerja in the sense kau makan gaji, kerja dengan orang. Bekerja untuk apa dan hidup untuk apa kalau bukan untuk bebas? Bebas dari hutang. Bebas dari kebuluran. Bebas berbelanja. Bebas kemana-mana, tapi hujung minggu dan waktu cutilah. Hari lain bukan milik kau. Itupun kalau nasib kau baik. Bebas ke hidup sebegitu? Mungkin ada yang boleh terima sedemikian. Ikut kau lah. Hamba di zaman ini berpasung bukan dikaki atau tangan, tapi di hati. Hidup memang hidup tapi jiwanya mati. Hidup ke sebegitu?

Serupa macam berseluar. Ada bermacam fesyen dan material kain yang digunakan tapi hampir semua seluar menurut acuan yang sama, ada sifat universal. Ada dua lubang kaki, ada cawat, ada tali cerut atau lubang untuk tali pinggang, ada zip, ada cangkuk dan penyangkut supaya seluar tak terlucut. Ada security. Tetapi yang pastinya kau memang akan dibatasi dengan saiz pinggang. Kalau berat badan naik, kena beli seluar baru.

Lain pula dengan kain pelikat. Pattern lebih kurang sama sahaja, warna corak dan jenis kain mungkin membezakan tapi melainkan kau gemuk gedempol kain pelikat akan muat dipakai tak kira apa saiz pinggang atau perut kau. Pergerakkan pun memang bebas, yang membataskan kau cuma sopan atau tidak cara duduk/baring kau tu. Tapi bila panas, berangin. Bila sejuk, yang patut suam kekal suam. Cuma kalau tak diikat kemas dan terlucut boleh terserlah segala benda yang patut ditutup. Tak selalu berlaku tapi risiko tetap ada.

Sebagai pengamal undang-undang ini pilihan selalunya ada dua, iaitu di antara hidup yang hambar, selamat tapi dirantai atau untuk hidup bebas, penuh dengan pengembaraan tapi terumbang-ambing. Apa pilihan kau? Tak ada sesiapa yang paksa kau sekarang ini. Tak ada pistol diacu di dahi. Semuanya atas pilihan sendiri.  

Bila cakap tentang kebebasan itu pula perlu diingat bahawa ianya bukan dihidang atas pinggan, bukan percuma. Kebebasan itu sendiri punya harga perlu dibayar. Susah, sengsara, darah dan air mata. Persoalannya sanggup atau tidak kau bayar harga itu demi untuk mempunyai kebebasan? Ianya tidak memberi kepastian yang bil-bil kau boleh dibayar tepat pada masanya. Ianya juga tidak memastikan anak beranak kau hidup kalau tak senang pun tak hidup melarat. Tapi bebas.

Satu benda pasal kebebasan tak ada jaminan yang hidup akan sentiasa senang. Yang memang confirm ada adalah ujian demi ujian.

Hidup senang?

Tuhan tak pernah janjikan hidup yang senang atas dunia ini. Yang dijanjikan adalah ada ganjarannya di sana nanti. Hidup mana pernah senang. Masing-masing ada masalah tak kira miskin mahupun kaya. Yang kaya mempunyai masalah untuk kekal kaya, yang miskin masalah untuk lari dari kemiskinan, untuk terus hidup.

Makin umur meningkat makin mudah untuk kita lari sebalik kekelabuan sesebuah perkara itu. Benda yang dahulunya hitam-putih kini jadi kelabu asap. Ada sahaja alasan diberi. Iyalah, kita manusia, bukan android. Ada lebih dari reason yang digunapakai, ada juga emosi yang perlu diambil kira. Aku fikir itu kenapa darjat kita manusia diangkat kerana reason sentiasa berperang dengan emosi. Aku rasa mungkin itu juga sebab kenapa Iblis enggan tunduk pada manusia, kerana Iblis adalah makhluk yang penuh emosi.

Tak senang jadi manusia, tak senang jadi lelaki. Dalam banyak perkara ego perlu ditundukkan. Banyak benda yang perlu diambilkira. Banyak hati nak dijaga, ada peranan perlu dimain, tanggungjawab untuk dijaga. Berat pilihan yang perlu dibuat. Sangat-sangat berat. Tapi jangan dikata tak ada pilihan.    

Tak kira lah kau percaya apa sekalipun Tuhan/ Alam Semesta/ Prime Mover sentiasa bagi pilihan. Kita sahaja yang kata tak ada pilihan. Kadang-kadang banyak pilihan hinggakan pening untuk memilih. Kadang-kadang hanya ada dua:

Nak berkain pelikat atau nak berseluar macam orang lain?

Sekarang pilih satu.