Sekejap

Again, I was lucky to be upright and functioning this morning at Shah Alam court. Two nights prior a friend invited me to second chair for a case involving a restoration of a vintage piece of equipment by an expert. So last night I went to take a quick look at the cause papers and the documents to form a first impression of the matter. The owner claimed there was a guarantee given by the expert on time it would take, the expert said it was an estimate subject to payments and availability of replacement parts requested by the owner. The owner took his sweet time to make payments and yet expected fast results. When the restoration took longer than first estimated the owner cried, Fraud! and proceeded to file a legal suit against the expert. Mind you this is no mass produced junk being restored and yet the owner dared to expect a beautiful result in a short span of time and at minimal costs. As for me, in between catching up with the said friend, throwing around possible ideas for trial, that quick look lasted until the wee hours. Oh well, I got time.

Time.

Then on my drive back from Shah Alam Court, there was a discussion on the radio about Henry David Thoreau’s piece about walking. Being an unrepentant walker forced to work at the pace of fossil fuel driven madness this piqued my interest. It was said that walking is the most democratic activity one can indulge in. Everyone walks to certain extent be you a commoner as I am or some other hoity-toity titled entity. Sure walking takes time but that is the whole point. To take the time. I can confirm that most of my problems can be solved and have been solved by walking. It was that time between crossing streets and dodging puddles that allows my brain to make connections from two seemingly separate things or ideas. Solvitur Ambulando indeed. I ought to walk more. I used to walk a lot.

Speaking of walking and time, two days before, I went for a long walk at the local park with my youngest to get him some away time from screens (damned screens) and to look at greeneries and things. Something I noticed about public parks is that the people of working age are always either jogging or running with the look of ticking off an item from their mental to-do list in their eyes as if already thinking of things to do next after the jog while the old if they move at all, moved at a deliberate pace (early morning tai chi), slow walk on the pebbly strewn reflexology path. Unhurried, not pressed for time. Enjoying themselves. Whereas the very young switches between sudden bursts of energy at the playground to slow observation of all the wonders a park can offer. Why does taking time have to be the province of the retired and the very young? Why can’t us the working adults do the same? What’s the rush?

George Mac Donald, a friend of Lewis Carroll and one of the earliest pioneers of fantasy fiction once wrote:

"Certainly work is not always required of a man. There is such a thing as a sacred idleness, the cultivation of which is now fearfully neglected" 

When I first read that quote I was thumping the table in agreement and exclaiming By God, the man speaks the truth! (It is). Mind you this quote dates to 1870 where steam engines are an indispensable assets to all manner of industries which in turn spawned a frenzy of productivity and expansion (stim dowh). At that time Marx was working on the 2nd volume of Das Kapital, Scramble for Africa is but 10 years away and mechanization already had people working, working and working like mad. Perhaps, George Mac Donald was reminiscing on the days before steam, before the madness for capital and productivity. So, it is not really a modern problem after all, this rushing about here and there.

For me idleness is that it is that time between things where you just switch off for a bit. That bit where you live your life and feel alive, between trying to make a living and staying alive. That small bit (should be bigger anyways). That sunny, peaceful valley in between the mountains of madness of our daily life. It is there, we just have to find it. We just have to take the time for it.

I am trying to not make this a rail about the dangers of modern life but it seems that taking time has been taken for granted. Considered to be an old-fashioned thing, unproductive, even. To rush is productive, to run like hell is good, to be busy is to be looked upon favourably but where are we rushing off to, really?

During lunchtime, I came across an article from The Atlantic about procrastination being a productive state of being in terms of creative works. The said article was entitled The Antidote to the Cult of Self Discipline. Despite of its title it was more on the need to take time in order to create something beautiful rather than a rail against self discipline. Ok-lah, a rail it was but against productivity rather than against self-discipline. Of course there were references made to works done in defiance of the office hours and what constitutes as productive use of time but this line in particular caught my eye:

‘’ … it’s the strange mental collisions between the thinking mind and the wandering mind that yield the most interesting results. These are the moments when artistry sneaks in unbidden; Annabel understands that if art is created out of life, the latter has to have space to happen.’’

To this I wholeheartedly agree and say that it extends beyond creation of arts or artistry. It is not procrastination either. Rather, it is the time for ideas and thoughts to gel together. Besides, who or where was it said that we human beings do not learn from absorbing information. We learn from reflecting on things. Making connection from what we have absorbed with what we have experienced. Just like walking, that too, takes time.

If time is one of the natural order of things, then to take time is surely in accordance with nature.

Doughs need time for the yeast to do its magic, a chili plant even with fertilizers would need time to bear fruit. We still need time to rest and sleep to perform optimally for despite all the energy drinks and stimulants in the world nothing can ever compare to a good nights sleep and to be sure, there is a world of difference between an instant maggi asam laksa and lovingly crafted actual asam laksa. One is survival food, the other, soul food. And we ate far too many maggi asam laksa. We feed our body but forget to nourish our soul, thinking that accumulation of more and the quicker in the doing is better. Is it, really?

To be good, to produce good things is to take your time. Yet, we push ourselves pedal to the metal almost everyday in the name of productivity that taking your time is almost a dirty word. Is it any wonder that we are a society rife with anxieties, depression and all sorts of other mental and emotional issues. Nowadays, we know the value of time, we calculate it obsessively and bemoan its lack in terms of productivity but not of its meaning in relation to Life as a whole. Waiting, is for losers, Patience is a long-lost word. We have forgotten its meaning and somewhere along the way we drank the sirap (or Koolaid if you prefer it) of modernity and have joined the cult of speed.

Slow down.

Give a hug, a kiss, dance a slow dance with no music on. Invest in a full-on tickling contest with your kids. Build that Lego set with your kid. Walk or even run in the rain deliberately. A long walk in the morning or in the evening. Enjoy the sunrise or sunset. Sit on a park bench and observe people going by, observe from the smallest to the biggest of insects flying and crawling around. Be still. Take a deep breath. Take a break. Take a moment to distance yourself from the matter at hand. From your problem. From work. Let the world spin on while we just sit there, alive and yet not an active participant. Merely absorbing the world around us from our senses. Savouring the fact that we are alive, one of millions on this planet with our own dreams and expectations.

Surely, we have the time for that, while we are still alive.

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Scales

At a job interview a long time ago I was asked if work-life balance is important to me. The interviewer was a Malay man in his 40’s. I answered yes, work-life balance is important. The interviewer looked at me thoughtfully before moving on to something else and cracked a joke or two. I did not get the job. As I remembered it was an in house legal position. I am glad I did not get the job. I would probably die out of sheer boredom. After all at that point of time I used to mock 9 to 5 existence and office work as mundane and mediocre. Now, 9 to 5 workday looks like the sweetest dream ever to me.

After the interview i had put the question out of my mind as I lived my life operating my then micro-sized lawfirm doing what needed doing. Generally, having fun thinking this is what life is going to be 20-30 years down the road. How foolish I was. It was after the arrival of my eldest the question came back to taunt me. As the youngest came into the picture the question was further expanded to; is an 8 hour work day possible when you do contested cases on regular basis?

Slowly, I began to understand the importance of 8 hour workday for a family man. After all, people have died for it. I should not let them die in vain. Slowly but surely I became a committed believer of the 8 hour workday, even if it is not a reality for me, yet.

Back when they were too young for kindergarten the boys would do whatever it takes to stop me from leaving the house for work. On days I had court matters to attend to the usual run of things in the morning would be for one of them to quiz me where I intend to go when I had put on my white work shirt despite knowing full well that white shirt meant work. Then the I-don’t-want-you-to-go-to-work whines of protest would start before the blocking of the door (sometimes bodily). Depending on the mood the youngest might join in. Sometimes there were tears involved. Then the negotiations would begin and boy they were tough negotiators. At that point of time their protests seemed cute. Not so much nowadays. After a while I learned to tip toe around the house and to make as little noise as possible as to not wake them up early in the morning. That felt dirty. Whomever called the Law a demanding mistress had that down pat. It feels as if I am cheating on my family when I am actually just doing my job to provide for my family.

In the mean time I began looking for the answer to my question. All I heard were horror stories from fellow lawyers doing litigation of being called at 2-3 am by insane bosses asking for them to show up to deliver this and that or prepare this and that. Let us not even talk about weekends or what a crime it is to not have your mobile phone with you at all times. Work and life became one and the same, indivisible and indistinguishable. And I used to think my pupillage was tough (sleeping bag and lots of coffee). One story I heard from my then colleague was of his former boss who was a hardcore litigator in a niche area of the Law. Her family would come with packed dinner and would sat down for dinner with her at the office as a family. After dinner her husband and children would go home and she would be back to work drafting cause papers and preparing for trial. What a life. No, wait. Is that even life when the scales are overwhelmingly tilted in favour of work?

Now that they are older, the eldest and the youngest had stopped with the morning protests. Instead, a new weapon in their arsenal was to call me every now and then and to ask why I was still at work after 7pm and to instruct me to come home. I kept thinking I must have been ill-disciplined with my time or truly suck at delegating tasks as to have my work bleed into the time for my family. I am still trying to even the scales, though it looks like an uphill battle. Someone once told me that as you go higher up the hierarchy the more time you have. I’d slap him or her if I could remember who it was who said it.

On Friday the rest of the office was on leave on account of the Hari Raya Haji the day before and the prospect of a long weekend. It was only me and the accounts lady at work. As the clock nears 5 pm I was already thinking of the things I could do with my family instead of vegging out (though vegging out sounds good too. It has been a very demanding past few weeks for me) At the back of my head there was the nagging suspicion that something was not right. An email came in just before 5pm requiring an urgent major work to be done the very same day. I was right to be suspicious for unexpected free time. They almost always never exist. Might as well melt the damned scales for scrap metal.

Only late last year I realize that the reason I get no clear answer for my question is because no one has an answer for it. Everyone is trying to balance work and life. Everyone is busy running on that hamster wheel of Life that they do not even have the time to think about balancing anything. They just hope things are balanced. Looking back, maybe that thoughtful look the interviewer gave was actually an expectant look. Maybe he was also looking for that answer, for validation that work-life balance is necessary. But then again it could be he thought me to be an impudent whelp to have such unrealistic expectations.

Time moves so fast that often i have to remind myself that my children will not remain children forever. They grow up fast. One common complaint of my parent’s generation I have often heard was that they did not manage to see their children grow up. They were too busy working. I’d like to think that with technology and stuff my generation can do better but that remains to be seen. Technology seemed to have created this unreasonable expectation that legal work can be done in relatively short time. What nonsense. Somethings maybe lah, but not everything. Coming up with a legal solution could take time, its not like making yourself a Maggi mee.

I still dream of the day where 8 hour work day is a reality even for people who do contested matters regularly, even as the world is slowly moving towards 4 hour workday. Even if it is not my reality, now at least I am in the position to make it so for my colleagues. As for my imbalanced scales, it is up to me to balance it the best I can because at the end of the day, all that I have done is for my family. What is the point of it all if my legal work is top notch but my family life is in shambles? How can I even look them in the eyes to say that I had fought for the time with them as much as I had fought for my clients. 

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