Scales

At a job interview a long time ago I was asked if work-life balance is important to me. The interviewer was a Malay man in his 40’s. I answered yes, work-life balance is important. The interviewer looked at me thoughtfully before moving on to something else and cracked a joke or two. I did not get the job. As I remembered it was an in house legal position. I am glad I did not get the job. I would probably die out of sheer boredom. After all at that point of time I used to mock 9 to 5 existence and office work as mundane and mediocre. Now, 9 to 5 workday looks like the sweetest dream ever to me.

After the interview i had put the question out of my mind as I lived my life operating my then micro-sized lawfirm doing what needed doing. Generally, having fun thinking this is what life is going to be 20-30 years down the road. How foolish I was. It was after the arrival of my eldest the question came back to taunt me. As the youngest came into the picture the question was further expanded to; is an 8 hour work day possible when you do contested cases on regular basis?

Slowly, I began to understand the importance of 8 hour workday for a family man. After all, people have died for it. I should not let them die in vain. Slowly but surely I became a committed believer of the 8 hour workday, even if it is not a reality for me, yet.

Back when they were too young for kindergarten the boys would do whatever it takes to stop me from leaving the house for work. On days I had court matters to attend to the usual run of things in the morning would be for one of them to quiz me where I intend to go when I had put on my white work shirt despite knowing full well that white shirt meant work. Then the I-don’t-want-you-to-go-to-work whines of protest would start before the blocking of the door (sometimes bodily). Depending on the mood the youngest might join in. Sometimes there were tears involved. Then the negotiations would begin and boy they were tough negotiators. At that point of time their protests seemed cute. Not so much nowadays. After a while I learned to tip toe around the house and to make as little noise as possible as to not wake them up early in the morning. That felt dirty. Whomever called the Law a demanding mistress had that down pat. It feels as if I am cheating on my family when I am actually just doing my job to provide for my family.

In the mean time I began looking for the answer to my question. All I heard were horror stories from fellow lawyers doing litigation of being called at 2-3 am by insane bosses asking for them to show up to deliver this and that or prepare this and that. Let us not even talk about weekends or what a crime it is to not have your mobile phone with you at all times. Work and life became one and the same, indivisible and indistinguishable. And I used to think my pupillage was tough (sleeping bag and lots of coffee). One story I heard from my then colleague was of his former boss who was a hardcore litigator in a niche area of the Law. Her family would come with packed dinner and would sat down for dinner with her at the office as a family. After dinner her husband and children would go home and she would be back to work drafting cause papers and preparing for trial. What a life. No, wait. Is that even life when the scales are overwhelmingly tilted in favour of work?

Now that they are older, the eldest and the youngest had stopped with the morning protests. Instead, a new weapon in their arsenal was to call me every now and then and to ask why I was still at work after 7pm and to instruct me to come home. I kept thinking I must have been ill-disciplined with my time or truly suck at delegating tasks as to have my work bleed into the time for my family. I am still trying to even the scales, though it looks like an uphill battle. Someone once told me that as you go higher up the hierarchy the more time you have. I’d slap him or her if I could remember who it was who said it.

On Friday the rest of the office was on leave on account of the Hari Raya Haji the day before and the prospect of a long weekend. It was only me and the accounts lady at work. As the clock nears 5 pm I was already thinking of the things I could do with my family instead of vegging out (though vegging out sounds good too. It has been a very demanding past few weeks for me) At the back of my head there was the nagging suspicion that something was not right. An email came in just before 5pm requiring an urgent major work to be done the very same day. I was right to be suspicious for unexpected free time. They almost always never exist. Might as well melt the damned scales for scrap metal.

Only late last year I realize that the reason I get no clear answer for my question is because no one has an answer for it. Everyone is trying to balance work and life. Everyone is busy running on that hamster wheel of Life that they do not even have the time to think about balancing anything. They just hope things are balanced. Looking back, maybe that thoughtful look the interviewer gave was actually an expectant look. Maybe he was also looking for that answer, for validation that work-life balance is necessary. But then again it could be he thought me to be an impudent whelp to have such unrealistic expectations.

Time moves so fast that often i have to remind myself that my children will not remain children forever. They grow up fast. One common complaint of my parent’s generation I have often heard was that they did not manage to see their children grow up. They were too busy working. I’d like to think that with technology and stuff my generation can do better but that remains to be seen. Technology seemed to have created this unreasonable expectation that legal work can be done in relatively short time. What nonsense. Somethings maybe lah, but not everything. Coming up with a legal solution could take time, its not like making yourself a Maggi mee.

I still dream of the day where 8 hour work day is a reality even for people who do contested matters regularly, even as the world is slowly moving towards 4 hour workday. Even if it is not my reality, now at least I am in the position to make it so for my colleagues. As for my imbalanced scales, it is up to me to balance it the best I can because at the end of the day, all that I have done is for my family. What is the point of it all if my legal work is top notch but my family life is in shambles? How can I even look them in the eyes to say that I had fought for the time with them as much as I had fought for my clients.