Going On

According to a study conducted by the American Bar Association (ABA) in 2016, 28% of attorneys experience depression, 19% experience anxiety and 23% experience chronic stress.

In a survey conducted by Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation and the ABA, 21% of attorneys qualify as problem drinkers, 28% struggle with depression and 19% struggle with anxiety.

In a 2016 survey, out of sample of 12,825 attorneys, 11.9 % reported suicidal thoughts, 2.9% reported self-injurious behaviour and 0.7% reported at least 1 prior suicide attempts.

These are all American statistics from 2016. At the time of writing, I did not find any statistics on substance abuse among Malaysian lawyers just as there are no statistics on suicides among Malaysian lawyers. All we have are newspaper reports from time to time of fellow practitioner ending their life. No statistics. None that I know of. We ought to have it. So that we can know exactly the price to pay for practicing law.

Ours is a profession of constant stress. The demands can be unrealistic at times. Lawyers deal with the problem of others, some life-threatening. Some, to their legal person, to their property. In doing so we are exposed to the darker impulses of humanity. Their most base desires brought to light. In this, the lawyers are expected to set aside their own prejudices and represent the client no matter how detestable or depraved the client or the instruction is. Innocent until proven guilty. All have fair chance for their day in court or for representation.

Alongside that we also carry the hopes and expectations of the client as well ours in hopes of fair resolution by the judiciary (or other tribunal) though from time to time those hopes are dashed, smashed.  These strain our body and mind. We are constantly looking for outlets to get the stress out of our system. Exercise can help, so does time but not all the time. 

It occurred to me that perhaps those legal fees we receive are not for the work done. The fees are compensation for the irreversible changes made to our psyche, to our outlook on life itself, to our health. Price for many scars you accumulate over the years, Weregild for one of many small deaths we suffer throughout practice for Death is the running theme in legal practice. We wear black and white most of the time. Death of sleep. Death of balanced diet. Death of our innocence. Death of sobriety. Death of hope. So, if you are going to lose parts of you, to suffer a thousand little deaths for a case, you better be damned well compensated for it.

Once while walking through the corridors of KL Court, I overheard two senior lawyers talking about a freshly called lawyer far ahead of us, prancing about in her robes, a bouquet of flowers in arms, posing all here and there. ‘’So full of enthusiasm’’ remarked Senior Lawyer 1. Senior Lawyer 2 merely grunted in affirmation. Senior Lawyer 1’s remark sounds wistful, wishful and sarcastic all at once and I don’t think the sarcasm was intended. He sounds like the faucet that once gave a clear stream of hope and enthusiasm within him had been discharging nothing but muddy resignation. His reservoir of hope all silted up. I hope to never end up like him but, I get him.

Maybe the years have slowly chipped away at his psyche, his faith in fellow Man until all that remains of a practitioner is that cynical, world-weary husk they show to the world. Those are the burdens we chose to carry for some fees. Because of that it is no surprise that some practitioners find solace in substances and perhaps privately entertained the thought of ending it all.

There are days when the pressure gets too much to bear. Those would be the days I sought company from my closest friends who also practice the law. Group therapy of sorts. My support system. It is important. Talking it out with trusted few. It keeps at bay the brooding thoughts of despair and reminds you that you are not alone in your struggle because sometimes a spouse or our parents might not get why we feel the way we feel and why we go through what we went through but a brother or sister practitioner might.

If you do not have close friends to talk to then utilize the counseling services Malaysian Bar had been providing these past few years. According to the FAQ, the first 5 sessions are free. I cannot speak of the efficacy of the service because the one time I needed to use it, all but one panel counselor on the list for my state did not answer my phone call. The one that did said she did not have free time unless it is between 7 and 8 am in the morning. Maybe it was just wrong timing for me. But all is not lost.

If the humankind is too busy for you then talk to your pet(s). It sounds kooky but I find that talking it out might not solve all the problem but it can help you deal with it better. I have no experience with dogs but I do know that the motorboat purring of a cat can do wonders to calm you down and same goes to talking to them.

If you are a believer, then pray and talk to God or any deity of your faith. Sometimes unseen problems require equally unseen assistance. Someone out there will answer it is a matter of when.

Point is, talk it out. If you do not feel like talking then write it down. Maybe it won’t solve your issues but you will feel better. Writing down the problem is the first stage of solving it.  No one has to see what you wrote down. Double or triple encode it in cipher, write it down in Sanskrit or a dead language, or burn after writing. Just get it out. It helps.

Being out and about, surrounded by nature also helps. Take a walk in the park in the evenings or in the morning (whenever possible), stare at trees and kids and old folks doing their thing at the park. That kultus matahari thing that was a thing a while back did have some grain of truth in it. Getting the morning or late evening sun as much as possible will make you feel good and wholesome. I can confirm it.

To be clear and as a disclaimer, all the above paragraphs about talking, writing it out and being out and about could not constitute a sound medical advice from me but it works for me, to some degree. Maybe it could do some good for you, maybe it won’t. The thing to bear in mind is that if overwhelming despair hits you and you do not think that you can bear it to the point that you have entertained the idea of ending it all to the point of planning it even if for a brief moment: Get help immediately. Call someone. Go to your nearest Klinik Kesihatan or clinic, tell them you need help. They will know what to do.

The practice of law is demanding. The Law after all is a jealous mistress but that should not be a good reason to forget that you are human after all, there are limits to what you can do.

 

You are not alone. You will get through this.

It is both a hope and a prayer, from a fellow practitioner.